Need Letters!!!

I can't do my job if you don't do yours!

So send those emails people!

Rodgraphx@yahoo.com

Tattoo Louie!

Rod,

I am thinking about getting a tattoo on my arm. Prolly one of those arm-band tribal things. What would you prefer?

Signed,
Ms. Tatoo Louie


Louie, Louie!

Don't care what I, or anyone else thinks. It's your body, plain and simply. I personally only dig tattoed females, if the tat is on the ankle, "tramp stamped" on the lower back, or NOT AT ALL. Tattoos can be sexy, but they don't cross the gender barrier well. You could either look really cool, or really trashy if you're not careful. No one wants to look like a whore! Even whores don't want to look like whores in public, so think about that. Granted, I have seen the burly, biker-esque bitches who sport HARD CORE tats all over...but they are far from sexy and meek and you can tell by the bike they're on, and the trailer that they're driving to, that they have marked themselves properly. So define yourself!

I have Spoken,
Rod

From: Sad and Horny

Dear Rod,

I swa your post on myspace and figgered what the hell right? Lately I've been going to the bars and looking on line for a girl. I'm not looking for anything special, just a fuck buddy really. Can I say fuck? What should I do, or has being married destroyed your inner p**sy sensors?

Signed,
Sad and Horny


Well Sad and Horny,

I first want to say that if you ever email me again, be smart and don't sign it with your real name! Now I know who you are, and am going to inundate you with shitty emails on myspace to make myself feel better!

To answer your question: You're doomed to never be laid. Some people out there, like me, have the devil's tongue! While my tongue may be retired due to marriage, it's still there. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, given the right amount of time (less than a week) I could get my rocks off with a damned good looking girl, or a reasonably decent looking bohemoth! YOU GOTTA HAVE GAME, SON! I have seen some of the world's most unattractive people pull some of the hottest ass because they had an awesome personality. I know you -- Your personality isn't exactly "people friendly." Don't get me wrong, you're a great guy, but when it comes to having that certain something, you fall short. No worries though, there is a cure.

THE GYM!

Weights for the win! Or at least the score. Right now, you're body is a loose hodgepodge of blubber and beer froth. Since you don't have game, you need to defnitely improve that body, brah. You think I could have landed my badass wife or any other hotty before her had I neither had personality nor body!? Granted, I have lost about 20 pounds and my body is no where near the Adonis that I used to be, but still... Point is, you're fat and you have no game. Both can be corrected, but you have to make that jump! I can't do it for you.

And what's so big about getting laid anyway? Shit! Get over it! Next to my wife, my hand is my closest and best lover! I used to jerk off before going to the club! It will keep you relaxed and allow you to keep your mind off the treasure and more on the map that leads to it. This response could go on forever. Just stay off the internet, don't go to bars, and please hit the gym. Some of the nicest girls I ever met were at the grocery store, work, the mall, and...THE GYM! So get to it Tubby Von Nogame!

I have spoken!

Rod

My First EMAIL!!!

Posting this on various message boards I frequent has already farmed me a question! Yee Haw!


Dear Rod,

Knowing you for some time now, I am used to your sense of melodrama and need for attention and am happy you have found this outlet to vent your angst! My question is this. I am a happily married man, with a baby on the way. A girl that I work with is constantly flirting and I know that WITHOUT TRYING I could hit that. What should I do?

Signed,
WTF Do I Do?


Dear WTF,

Many people know my history of cheating and everything it cost me, so my initial thoughts would be to NOT BE A FUCKING MORON! If you have a good girl and a kid on the way, why jinx that for a quick piece of anus? Really?! Think about it like this, what if your squirting around town causes God to curse your kid with an extra or lesser limb. What if you catch an outbreak of the funky-spunk and pass it on to your wife?? I think you already knew the answer to this question before you even said the words "I do." Come on, man up and bow down before your wife...she's stuck it out long enough to concive your spawn, at least show her the respect of keeping your dick in your pants.

I have Spoken,

Rod

Hello! My name is Rod!

Let me just extend my hand with a hearty hello, and then quickly pull it back before I catch whatever the hell it is you have growing under your finger nails. As the subject clearly states, my name is Rod, and I am an asshole!

Now, I'm not the dick-ish asshole who gets my kicks on other people's misfortunes. No, while funny at times, other people's misfortunes does nothing to humor me when compared to my own. So we got that cleared up.

In short, I am that asshole who will tell you when your shoes are ugly, when your girlfriend makes a pass at me, or when you say something I know to be outright bullshit and I call you on it. Mostly, I am just brutally honest. I am damned sick of the suger-coated happy world that we all share. When a woman asks me at the drive through, how my day is going, I tell her ,"Better than yours because I'm not dealing fries for a living. And hell yes I want ketchup."

This is the honesty it takes these days, and the honesty you all deserve. So let the questions come. Email me at Rodgraphx@yahoo.com with your questions and I will gladly give you a dose of the most honest honesty your ass can handle. And I hope you cry, because only then will you accept the truth!

All identities will be kept secret to protect the pathetic.